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Andrew Blitman likes to draw and write about philosophy, poetry, and science. The author of two books, he will graduate from the University of Miami in May 2014 with a Masters of Professional Science degree in Marine Affairs. If you have any questions, feel free to e-mail him at thewrittenblit@gmail.com.

50 Reasons Why I Am No Longer Funny

Spider

Do you remember when I was funny? I do. I was once a funny guy. I was once a fun guy. I was once a fungus. I was ridiculously mesmerizing and witty. When I started a joke, I hit the ground running. I was so fast-actin’ I needed stronger stuff than Tinactin to cure my Athlete’s Foot. Those were the days when I got away with everything.

Unfortunately, I seem to have lost my mojo. I have been way too serious lately. I have focused my mind on many things that have prevented me from focusing. Over the past few days, I have tried to make sense of this stark transformation.

In a vain attempt to recapture what’s left of my sense of humor, I have created a list of all the reasons why I am no longer a humerus:

  1. I am always tired
  2. I have trouble sleeping
  3. I have lost my social drive
  4. I have too much hair
  5. I have foamy nipples
  6. I have Tit Rabies
  7. I am confused by my newfound sexual attraction towards gopher tortoises
  8. I am wanted in every state but denial
  9. I don’t believe in the magic of a young girl’s heart
  10. I have more issues than National Geographic Magazine
  11. The jokes have gone to my head
  12. I see dead people
  13. I am unlucky
  14. I try too hard
  15. I try too little
  16. I don’t care about context
  17. I care too much about context
  18. I think too much
  19. I think too little
  20. I picked my nose and my friends but didn’t pick my relatives
  21. I drive a Toyota Prius
  22. I live with Sean Connery, Hannibal Lecter, Jar Jar Binks, and Gandalf
  23. I was adopted
  24. I am German
  25. I have a sitcom on Fox
  26. I am politically correct
  27. Bill O’Reilly endorsed my sense of humor
  28. I contradict myself on a regular basis
  29. I am your father
  30. I am psychic and cannot tolerate your thoughts about Justin Bieber anymore!
  31. I have scoliosis
  32. I am the only exception to the “It’s-22.3-years-old-so-now-it’s-funny” Rule
  33. I recycle everything, including my jokes.
  34. I haven’t hosted Saturday Night Live
  35. My career was ruined by the Twilight trilogy
  36. My parents are Lisa Lampanelli and Carlos Mencia
  37. Because my life story inspired Rob Schneider’s movie The Hot Chick, I am currently awaiting trial for crimes against humanity
  38. I have the antidote
  39. I go clubbing with a posse of baby seals
  40. I reproduce by budding
  41. I often go by maiden name, Leviticus
  42. I am cut like a salami
  43. I am so full of hot air that the problem contributes to my ballooning waistline
  44. I am a cyborg
  45. I am a product of the global economy
  46. I am a cult of personality disorders
  47. I am one of the fabled Dead Horsemen
  48. My parents encouraged me by saying that the sky was the limit for everything except my comedy; that limit was rock bottom
  49. I was struck by lightning seven times during my last “shock humor” act
  50. I dropped the soap in the wrong soap opera

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